Goodbye, my almost lover
by cosmopolitan
Summary: LJ: He was everything that I’d ever wanted; I only wish that I was the same for him.


**Disclaimer: **_if I had any say Harry would be dead or with Hermione, simple as that. Also it should be noted that given that I'm musically inept these lyrics aren't mine, but "Almost Lover" by A Fine Frenzy (the title of this story is also a derivative of this song since the lyrics played such a large role in the writing process of this story)_

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**Goodbye, my almost lover**

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**Summary:**_He was everything that I'd ever wanted; I only wish that I was the same for him._

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_You sang me Spanish lullabies__  
__The sweetest sadness in your eyes__  
__Clever trick _

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I looked at him and I saw everything that I'd ever wanted in a man. He was the epitome of what a bloke my age should be. It's the four A's: astute, athletic, attractive, and aware of it. Admittedly, that last one was more so the curse that came with the three good A's. But even that one was done so in such a charming way that you couldn't help but love him for it regardless.

_He was perfect. _

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_I never want to see you unhappy__  
__I thought you'd want the same for me _

--

The first time we were ever together was during our first year, he asked me to be his girlfriend on the fourth day of school. We hit it off immediately. We got along fabulously. Regardless of how immature of a couple we may have been, I just knew that we were meant for one another. My feelings, however, were slightly swayed by the fact that on our two day anniversary he smashed my cupcake. I ended it then.

Yet, I quickly realized that despite that little misstep we were each other's soul mates. In fifth year, he finally asked me out again. Although, he didn't know it was the second time because he had apparently forgotten about our little first year romance. That didn't matter to me though. I was just so ecstatic that he had finally realized how perfect we were for one another, nothing else mattered anymore.

I gave him everything, my heart, my soul… even my body, and I was all too happy and willing to do so. What I didn't expect, was to find out that he wasn't even close to being as committed as I was. My mates all told me that I shouldn't have been so surprised to learn that he was seeing other girls as well. They said that he had never asked me to be his girlfriend or shown any indication of commitment to me. While I knew it was true, I didn't want it to be. I had always thought that once we got together he'd realize that we were supposed to be together and give up on his playboy ways.

I was desperate as far as he was concerned; I remember one night when he came to my room for a late night shag. It was pathetic; I immediately noted how he smelled of sex. It was a distinct, pungent odour that bothered me far more than I would like to admit. Yet in spite of that, I let him in. I tried to ignore it and the tears that were threatening to make way as I, once again, gave him everything I had.

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_We walked along a crowded street__  
__You took my hand and danced with me__  
__Images _

_And when you left you kissed my lips__  
__You told me you'd never ever forget these images, no _

--

One night as we lay in bed, he always stayed until I fell asleep before leaving, I asked him the question that had been pestering me for the last year and a half, since we had started our… _thing_.

_"Are you even capable of love and commitment?" I asked with far less tact than I would have liked, but after waiting so long for the answer to that question I no longer cared for its delivery. _

_I could feel him stiffen around me, noting how he slowly detangled himself from me, as if preparing to make a run for it. _

_"Oh, come on, James, don't be such a pansy, it's just a simple yes or no question," I laughed, lightly slapping his arm in a desperate attempt to play it off as if the answer to that meant far less to me than it really did. I couldn't let him see my nerves, see how much I cared for him or else he'd leave me for being too clingy. _

_He paused for a second and I could tell that he was mentally imagining all of the possible scenarios in order to pick out the safest route. With the anticipation coursing through my veins, I couldn't wait to hear it, what he would say, what was most likely a two minute wait felt like hours. _

_"No," he slowly said, "no I don't ever see myself settling down, there isn't a girl out there that's made me even want to."_

He was honest with me and I did respect that fact, but those words… those words broke my heart.

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_I never want to see you unhappy__  
__I thought you'd want the same for me _

--

A month after that night he slowly became more and more distant with me. I couldn't help but wonder if that question had had a far greater effect than I had initially assumed. He no longer came to me, save once or twice every other week. Slowly it all hit me—the idea of what life would be like without him. I couldn't take it, I was horrified, disgusted, repulsed. I _needed_ to stop it. Ironically enough, however, it was the day that I chose to confront him about it that my worst nightmare began.

I was walking towards him when I noticed who he was talking to, _Lily_ _Evans_. I didn't know what to think at that point, I was in a total state of shock, she just… she wasn't his type, _at all_. She was a loud, outgoing prefect. She was nothing like his usual type which consisted of calm, sophisticated, _respectable_ blondes and brunettes. Plus, there was the fact that she was possibly the most loved girl in our school. He never went for the _nice_ girls. So I just assumed that it was a question about reserving the pitch for a practice or getting out of a detention of some sort.

_I was wrong_.

I slowly started to see them together more and more. In every class that Gryffindor and Ravenclaw had together they were sitting together in the front of the classroom. He _never_ sat in the front; I had always heard him, with his mates, mocking those that did, calling them little swots. It was a total change and I didn't know what to do anymore, I was scared beyond belief.

Everything was spinning off its axis; his visits became even rarer, to the point at which it was only once a month. It was as if I was just some form of a relief for all of his tension. Even when I asked what was wrong, what was going on, he rebuffed all attempts. He blamed whatever was wrong with him on the stress of the Quidditch season.

I was slowly losing it all, _everything_ that mattered to me.

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_Goodbye, my almost lover__  
__Goodbye, my hopeless dream__  
__I'm trying not to think about you__  
__Can't you just let me be?__  
__So long, my luckless romance__  
__My back is turned on you__  
__I should've known you'd bring me heartache__  
__Almost lovers always do _

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It was at the end of sixth year when he finally ended it, and I still remember it as if it were yesterday.

_"But—but I love you," I finally admitted, gasping for air as I sobbed uncontrollably. _

_He didn't even flinch at that admission; it was as if he had expected it all along. "I never made you any promises. I never lied to you Becca. I told you not to expect anything from me, warned you about it… there's nothing I can do about that." _

_"Yes, there is!" I shouted desperately, angered by the fact that he couldn't see what was right there in front of him all along. _

_"What?" he asked, and I could tell that he genuinely wanted to do whatever he could to make me feel better. I didn't know whether to be flattered by that fact or scream. _

_"Love _**_me_**_, need _**_me_**_, be with _**_me_**_—for once just open your eyes!" _

_He winced slightly, obviously taken aback by the statement, before moving his gaze onto the ground, "I can't." _

_"You're making a mistake James, you'll see," I promised him before running off to find Moaning Myrtle. She, of all people, could best console me whenever I was sad._

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_I cannot go to the ocean__  
__I cannot drive the streets at night__  
__I cannot wake up in the morning__  
__Without you on my mind__  
__So you're gone and I'm haunted__  
__And I bet you are just fine__  
__Did I make it that easy__  
__To walk right in and out of my life? _

--

I watched them get closer and closer as time went on. I saw how he proclaimed his love to her numerous times in front of everyone, even though he knew she'd reject him. I saw him want a girl who wasn't me and it killed me to watch that scene play out.

It was just so wrong, she wasn't even his type. I didn't understand why he couldn't see it like I could. They just shouldn't be together. He shouldn't have had his arm wrapped around her all the time, following her around like some kind of a lost puppy. His mates should never have condoned it and acted as if she was some sort of a God or something— it was pathetic, despicable. I couldn't understand how someone as smart as that Evans girl could fall for that. Bloody idiotic Head Girl is what she was—even more so for actually ultimately saying yes to Potter. Poor girl, doesn't know anything.

I knew the truth though; I was so sure of it. I was so convinced of the fact that in the end, regardless of all the horrible things that had gone on before, everything would be okay—we'd be together.

_"I know about you two," I heard a voice say, interrupting me from my reverie. One in which I had been unashamedly plotting the gory death of one Lily Evans. _

_I turned in my seat to face the person who sat behind me. Raising an eyebrow at him, I incredulously asked, "Excuse me?" _

_"You and James, I know about it… just figured if you ever needed to talk to someone you should know that I know the situations… and I'm there," he told me weakly, as if afraid of me, a notion which I found positively absurd. _

_I glared at him, unable to comprehend how he had the audacity to suddenly come up to me and talk to me about _**_that._**_ "You don't know anything." _

_He raised an eyebrow at me questioningly, I hate people who second guess me, _**_wanker_**

_ "He's happy Rebecca, he's genuinely happy. Don't get your hopes up." _

_"You sure about that, Lupin?" I asked him cockily. _

_"He loves her." _

_My body stiffened and my face hardened at hearing that statement, "James can't love. You and I both know that—the bloke's just lying to himself and that poor naïve girl." _

_He shook his head at me almost pityingly, "Don't hold onto a dream that's never going to happen, Bex, he loves her, really loves her. That won't be changing any time soon; it's something that you're going to have to get used to." _

_"Is it James that loves her or this new bloke that she's forced him to be?" _

_He scoffed, "No one forced him. He wanted to change so he could be worthy of her. He's wanted her for years, Bex, but only just acted on it. It was never you, don't delude yourself and waste your time on a hopeless cause." _

_I glared at him, picking up my things and leaving as soon as I heard the bell interrupt our conversation._

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_Goodbye, my almost lover__  
__Goodbye, my hopeless dream__  
__I'm trying not to think about you__  
__Can't you just let me be?__  
__So long, my luckless romance__  
__My back is turned on you__  
__I should've known you'd bring me heartache__  
__Almost lovers always do _

--

It was so wrong that none of them saw it and how horrible it all was. Especially _her_, she doesn't understand that if she coddled him like that he'd no longer be _James_. She'd change him, make him out to be someone else- this person so alien from his usual self-. I could see that she didn't _really_ love him if she needed to do that.

All that's left is for the rest of them to realize what a horrible mistake it all is.

**Fin.**


End file.
